I remembered being real petty in primary school. i couldn’t take jokes, i don’t know why, i just couldn’t. I guess i was somewhat an introvert during primary 1 to 3. Real introvert, nerdy too. Oh yea. i can’t take jokes, i was a petty asshole. SERIOUSLY. I can’t take any jokes, the thought of it right now already made me disgusted with myself back then. I have the tendency to fall sick during exams. I guess i was weird in my siblings eyes back then, especially my brother. i remembered that punch in the stomach leaving me grasping for air in the kitchen, on the floor, just right infront of the toilet. I remembered it, so vividly. I remembered my mum used to have sort of a anger burst thingy, she can just go mad and shout everywhere, and we will keep things to wherever they are. So amusing. Well, the weirdo me, i was exploited of course, i did chores of others, being the youngest, i often try to set myself as the lowest priority in attempt to make my relationship with my siblings stronger. Then of course, i let out alot of my advantages to my brother. The prizes i can claim for doing well in exams was what he wanted. The toys he wanted yet our parents refuse to buy, i forked out half to help him for each toy. [I don’t regret it, it is just me being silly, thats all.]  Back to my personality, i was an introvert, i don’t open up to whatever problems i have in school to my family. i keep them all inside. During car rides, i don’t make a sound, during family dinner every saturday, i don’t even open my mouth if i’m not eating. In a nut shell, i’m just dead quiet. Literally, if i do not speak, no one would realise my presence.

But at primary 3 close to primary 4 (about 9-10 years old), I began to pick up vulgarities and made friends with the so called “no positive influence” friends. But i like it, i really like them, thats when i made my first two bestfriends [I know bestfriend means one, but i can’t give them any title lower than that] To be frank, i really like them, i cherish them. maybe that’s when i really enjoy myself with my friends. That’s when i start to open up a little bit. i remembered my first outing with my primary school friends was when i am Primary 6 (12) [Yea, kinda late, cuz my parents are super protective.] I can remember that that is the first movie with friends, its called Boogeyman. I didn’t love the movie, i just love the company of my friends. Its not the movie being memorable despite that i can remember the scenes after 7 years, it’s just, you know, first time. Still having that petty me, i gained satori, i realise the fact that friends joke with one another, we criticise and insult. I began to realise, if i do not take jokes, i do not have friends. That is where i face my great change.

At age 13, i enter Secondary one. A chance to be a new me. i began to tolerate insults and tried to laugh it off, as hard as it might seem back then, i did it anyway. I began to realise, to be able to laugh it off when people insult me, I have to insult myself far worse than anyone can, and i have to be able to laugh it off too. True during those times, i controlled my anger and contained myself, act as if i don’t mind by laughing it off. No one like dead serious friends. Eventually, i became immune, i became well trained. I became someone i thought impossible. I became a person who can joke around. In fact, maybe i abused this trait of mine, i went around joking, joking so much, creating so much fun, that i was labelled the joker. Well i didn’t mind at all, in fact, i love it. That is when i realise, i’m an attention seeker too. Also at secondary one, because of my newly adopted trait, i made awesome friends, Jonathan, Marcus, XueSheng, Jyhjie. You can see it as we’re the pioneers of this clique. Some came and left during our secondary school years. It expanded, contracted, expanded, contracted, contracted, expanded, contracted, expanded, contracted, contracted, expanded,, contracted, expanded, contracted, contracted, expanded…
This is where i, like all other teens, treat my friends better than anyone else, friends are the top in the list. Friends means more than family to me during those years. I became a half extrovert too, Why half? Yea, because i feel that i am two faced, or that i have split personality. Outside with friends, i’m a total extrovert, i talk alot, i’m out going, i love socialising. At home, the total opposite, i don’t talk to my family. I wonder how many days i could go without talking to any family member despite of my big family of 7. Like mentioned before, no conversation with anyone during dinner or car rides. Total silent little boy.

At age of 15, I played too much, i retained, [Not talking about the long story here, maybe other posts] Yes, that’s where i see something i never thought it really will happen to me as well. Sure, i’ve heard it alot of times “parents love for the kids are unconditional, no matter what happens, they still love you.” Well, like the hot kettle theory - {Tell a kid the kettle is hot, the kid might not believe, tell him twice he might not believe, using canes to teach him, he still might not learn, Not until he touches the kettle and feel it for himself, knowing that it really hurts.} That is when i retained, but i still feel the love my dad and mum have for me, they really do care. Knowing that i am in my room, crying, i know they opened the door several times to check on me, just to make sure i am okay. The more they do it, the more touched i am. I remembered the hug from my mum, it was priceless, it felt so good, i felt i could’ve rest on her arms forever if possible. [It may seem nth to you people, but my family doesn’t show actions of affection and love, i was really touched, even typing this now, recollection fills my mind and tears are welling up]  That is when i realised, i’ve not been contributing to this family by making it more fun, more lively. Eventually i opened up, i am what i am, an extrovert, a full time one. 

My feelings back then:
If you know that talking shit about others will hurt their feelings then why do it? So that it makes you feel good and cool? No. If they talked shit about you, how would you feel? Hurt? Backstabbed? What?

Looking back:
I’m grateful that i changed. I’m grateful that i faced this realisation so soon. Looking at those people who just can’t click with others, i have mixed feelings, at one point i feel so lucky, at another point, i felt that they needed help to see what is wrong. 
Wait, all these “backstab”, “insults”, “criticism”, they can’t really hurt us, at least for my clique. I guess we’ve evolved, to a stage whereby we can learn to laugh it off, even if sometimes it really hurts. It’s weird how i seldom feel lousy or shitty hearing bombardments of insults. I guess its part of growing up? Or is it like the old saying? Friends are what defines us
thats why i am what i am now.